The Golden Globes are always a glorious Hollywood booze-fest and the 2014 version of the awards show was no different. I was lucky enough to be able to take it all in with power couple Brian and Erin Byrne, mover-and-shaker Matt Clayton, and the late-arriving Nate Billings. Between cobbling together a most-hated actress list, making out with Bono, and trying to figure out where Woody Allen buries his mistresses, some awards were allegedly handed out. Here are the highlights:
Erin Lady Byrne: Too bad Amy Adams forgot to put on any makeup. You’d think the people she pays would see to that. Also, Matt Lauer is no longer pretending to be a serious journalist, yes?
Mat DeKinder: She’s a natural beauty! And was Lauer ever a serious journalist?
EB: The “Today Show” used to be legit.” Behind the Candelabra” deserves an Oscar. All the Oscars. When Brian and I started dating he bought me a book called “The Wonderful Private World of Liberace.” I like to call it my engagement ring.
Matt Clayton: Is this where I get to see Lena Dunham’s boobs?
EB: They’re like bags of suet.
MD: I bet Rob Lowe has a picture of himself in an attic that looks like Robert Redford
EB: Did you know that in 1,000 years Robert Redford will be an Ent?
MC: So what are the steps in life one takes to be able to call Scorcese “Marty?”
EB: Well, you have to have a face the size of DiCaprio’s.
MD: Plus it involves killing a hooker
EB: He probably hates being called Marty. His real friends call him Mort. Sofia Vergara is drag queen adjacent.
MD: That is so true! The accent doesn’t help
Brian Byrne: I liked how they cut to Taylor Swift making the Taylor Swift face while Julianna Margulies was talking. Not that they interrupted her or anything, just that it’s weird and fascinating to see T-Swizzle acting like a photograph, but in live motion.
MD: I’m not convinced she’s a real person. I think she was genetically engineered in a lab in Nashville.
BB: Yup. They imbued a mannequin with the lightning wits of Suzanne Somers and there she was!
MD: I bet they used Trisha Yearwood’s nail clippings a Toby Keith’s flop sweat as a starting point.
EB: Someone should have told Julia Roberts that she didn’t need to wear an oxford shirt under her dress.
MC: She has a shift at Olive Garden after this.
BB: CLAYTON WINS!
EB: Clayton totally wins.
MC: That’s it. I’m out. See you guys for the Grammys.
EB: I’ve never especially liked Woody Allen but I’ve taken to really loathing him lately,
MD: I’m telling you, he’s made not one, but two movies about getting away with killing your mistress. There’s a dead Woody Allen mistress out there somewhere.
BB: At least one. Most likely there several dead mistresses.
EB: Amy and Tina: Lookin’ good, ladies.
BB: God damn right. Tam Honks. Brilliant!
MC: That’s a new band name. First album: “Wilson.”
MD: Sign that band!
EB: JLaw with the first win of the evening!
MD: 1 for 1, well done Golden Globes. And already to another award, man they are moving this along. I don’t know what “Dancing on the Edge” is, but I hope it is the sequel to “The Cutting Edge”
EB: Toepick! Jaqueline Bisset looks so upset.
BB: Apparently they seated her at a McDonald’s in Pasadena. Perhaps that’s what’s upsetting her.
MD: She’s a little out of breath from her long walk to the stage.
MC: Right past a leering Jon Voight.
MD: He’s thinking “Yeah, I hit that.”
MC: Ok, someone needs to start the band.
BB: Yeeeeeah.I love that the bleeper bleeped out everything but the word “shit.” Nice work there. This is amazing. Bisset is taking rambling to a whole new level, and now the music just sounds like somebody’s watching “Hollywood Squares” in the background.
MD: Wow. I’m glad they got to her before she had a chance to get drunk. With all this booze flying around I’m worried someone is going to get punched at Colin Farrell’s table.
MC: That’s the table I’d like to be at. Me and Ferrell just punching dudes.
EB: Why is Farrell so front and center?
BB: Somebody probably paid to promote “Winter’s Tale.”
MD: Plus it’s easier to keep an eye on him. I bet that Bruce Dern/Robert Redford conversation featured a lot of yelling.
EB: Bruce Dern has some scores to settle, people. Mat, you should move out of the country so you can be a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press.
MD: I can declare my house the free country of Claytonia!
MC: House Clayton shall rule with an iron fist.
BB: All hail Claytonia!
MD: Give all the awards to Cranston! And was it me or did Michael Sheen’s date look a little young?
MC: Maybe his daughter?
BB: No shit, dude. And a lot terrified.
MD: I think he has her chained to the table. Time for some props: Kevin Bacon’s daughter is killing it ushering people off stage.
BB: She is walking the SHIT OUTTA people offstage.
MD: As the only “Breaking Bad” watcher here I have to say it ranks as the best show I’ve ever watched. The last season almost ended me
MC: That’s a bold statement.
MD: Oh, it’s made!
BB: Bryan Cranston seems like about the nicest guy in the western hemisphere.
EB: Nicer than Tom Hanks?
BB: Uh-oh. Logic trap! I think they were neck and neck and then Hanks made a cranky tweet.
MD: Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Best Score!
BB: John Williams! Now there’s a guy with a warehouse full of fucks he doesn’t give about not winning a Golden Globe.
MD: Russell Brand wins for best score! Oh wait, that’s just some dude who hung out on Puffy’s boat one time.
MC: I’d push Puffy off the boat.
BB: The Edge! He looks uncomfortable.
MD: The Edge wouldn’t let Puffy on his boat. And of course, Bono writes a song for the Mandela movie.
MC: Clayton wins a Golden Globe! With props from Stringer Bell!!!!!!!
EB: “Free Nelson Mandela” is the only Mandela song that counts.
BB: It’s true. All the others are too vague to be understood. THIS IS SOOOOO PERSONAL FOR BONO.
MD: I thought that the other guys in U2 had to be silent in public like Harpo Marx or Teller.
MC: You can’t keep a Clayton quiet!!!!
BB: A Clayton divided against itself CANNOT STAND!!! So is Spike Lee filming a crashed alien ship in the desert? Or is that just an elaborate ruse presented by Sony?
MD: Famed sci-fi director Spike Lee!
BB: “Do the Trek Thing”
“She Phaser Me”
EB: Because on chat you can’t see me rolling my eyes so hard that I fall out of my chair.
MD: You’re looking at his IMDB page aren’t you?
BB: That shit was from MEMORY, son. As I flex nuts about remembering the three most ludicrously well-known Spike Lee movies ever made.
MD: Who let all these not-famous people from “Chicago P.D.” get up there?
BB: For the record, the only male Chicago cop I interacted with in the five years I lived there equaled about three cast members of “Chicago P.D.”
MD: I think Joaquin Phoenix’s date is the great-great-great-grandmother of Michael Sheen’s date. On a side note, Jared Leto is very pretty; and Colin Ferrell thinks so too.
MC: Ferrell and I are going to punch his pretty face later.
MD: “I wanted to destroy something beautiful”
EB: Jared Leto: Pretty since “My So-Called Life.”
MD: Then you and Ferrell can ride away on a flying horse.
BB: Drunk Emma Thompson just won the fucking world.
EB: She always wins.
MD: I’m sitting at her table now. Bono quietly wonders why more people aren’t thanking him.
BB: So, so true.
EB: I’m surprised he’s still there.
BB: I know, right. They’d keep cutting got his empty seat.
MC: McGruber is in “Nebraska?” That’s cool.
BB: Shit yeah.
EB: Black and White movies about old men make me sad.
MD: You should still see it, it’s a good movie.
BB: There’s the second shot of Lorne Michaels applauding indifferently. Is that Terry Crews at the “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” table?!? President Camacho?!?!
MD: Yea, it’s actually a pretty funny show.
BB: I’ve heard nothing but good things about it.
MC: Damon while talking to Affleck: “Really, Batman?”
EB: What if he’s the best Batman ever? Because admit it, Bale’s Batman voice was goddamn ridiculous.
BB: I hope Affleck’s Batman voice is insanely high and squeaky.
EB: He’ll sound like an American David Beckham.
MC: David Beckham has a very, very high voice.
Nate Billings: I just started the broadcast from my TiVo. Let’s talk about the monologue!
NB: My wife won’t let me fast forward to real-time!
MD: Tell her it’s for the glory of my amazing website!
MC: This is for the internet!
NB: “If I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d got to a Jonah Hill pool party.”
EB: Quoting the show isn’t contributing to the chat, Nate.
NB: I’m catching up!
MD: Boo this man! So “Blue is the Warmest Colour” is good, but it is also basically porn.
EB: You say that like those things are mutually exclusive, Mat.
MD: Point taken
BB: Michael Douglas won for “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” Michael Douglas was in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”?
MD: He was great! He was unrecognizable as the Chief!
BB: Hahahahaa. OK, well, apparently Michael Douglas was a producer of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
MD: I figure with all the commercials Nate should be caught up in about 10 minutes.
NB: I watched Jennifer Lawrence’s speech and then just jumped to real-time.
MD: You didn’t miss much. Just some puffy John Voight and the other guys in U2 talking in public.
MC: And Puffy.
MD: Oh right. I was on a boat with Puffy
NB: Is Jennifer Lawrence nominated for anything else? If there’s no chance of hearing her again, I may be outta here.
MD: Chris Pine you keep your hands off Emma Watson!!!
MC: Emma Watson is a saint!
NB: Do we really need #GoldenGlobes at the bottom of the screen? I wasn’t sure what I should refer to this awards show as.
EB: Finally, Bono proves his worth by making out with Amy Poehler.
MD: That was the funniest Bono has ever been. Seriously. Ever.
EB: So can you just hire a manager? Because I think I need a manager.
MD: Clayton is my manager
EB: Can you give him my number?
MC: I’m your ambassador of Kwan.
MD: Mr. Clayton is a very busy man.
MC: Clayton Worldwide Management.
EB: But I think if he just took a look at me he’d see something really special.
MC: I’m always on the hunt for the next big star.
MD: I’ll set up a meeting. Bring some props and wear movement clothes.
EB: How does he feel show tunes?
NB: Quick, somebody get Emma Stone a sandwich!
EB: Eat something, Emma! You’redisappearing!
MD: Woody Allen couldn’t be here tonight, he’s busy killing a mistress.
NB: Cecil B. Demented Award. You have no proof! But it’s a good theory, Mat.
MD: He’s getting away with it! That’s why he’s tortured! I don’t’ think I’ve ever seen anyone accept a lifetime achievement award on someone else’s behalf.
EB: Because Woody Allen is a horrible person.
MD: Clayton will accept my lifetime achievement award.
MC: Mat, I’ll be sure to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for you.
NB: Woody is boycotting because of the treatment of Native Americans.
EB: I was wondering how they were going to make this thing last until 10:00. Now I know.
MD: Woody will never watch this.
NB: So Erin is he Roman Polanski horrible?
BB: Hmmm. Good question.
MD: At least Woody wouldn’t get arrested for accepting this award…until I find all those dead mistresses.
EB: I tend to cut Polanski some slack due to the Holocaust-surviving/murdered-wife hand he was dealt. I mean, since they’re both known for molesting teenagers, one’s got to be the better man, right?
NB: Marry the teenager. It’s the right thing to do.
EB: Especially if she’s your wife’s daughter.
NB: Adopted. Does that count?
MD: Remember that Polanski’s Polish. Age of consent there has to be 12 or something. Maybe he just forgot.
NB: It’s Ben Affleck and the Fleck Tones!
MD: Hey, it’s that dick from the Fashionable Male!
BB: I’m glad to know somebody else thinks that (presumably) every time they hear Ben Affleck’s name. People, I love me some Alfonso Cuaron.
MD: Affleck really brought the Spanish pronunciation tonight.
BB: Among other things, Cuaron made far and away the best Harry Potter movie of them all.
EB: “This is for the hundreds of people lost in space every year.”
MD: I’m with you Brian, “Children of Men” is amazing.
EB: Quit being such a film douche, Mat.
MD: Oh yea, well don’t forget ‘Y Tu Mama Tambien”!!!!
EB: I do love that show
MC: Film douche!
MD: That’s my band name.
BB: I will never, never forget “Y Tu Mama Tambien.”
EB: Isn’t “Brooklyn 99,” like, halfway through its first season?
NB: Yep. They must have submitted entries before they ever aired a show.
EB: What if it’s downhill from here?
NB: You mean life, in general, being downhill from here?
EB: You know me too well, Nate
NB: We’re moving on to the existential questions.
MD: Oh, it’s been downhill for a while. Much like “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” we peaked too early.
EB: And it was a weak fucking peak at that.
MD: Judging from that commercial I think Bobby Kennedy’s widow wants to put an end to Atomic Wedgies in our lifetime.
EB: Too soon.
BB: Found to be fatal in at least one case!
NB: Band name! Taint Safety!
BB: Parents who give Atomic Wedgies … have kids who give Atomic Wedgies.
EB: So when is NBC coming out with “Chicago Transit Authority?”
MC: “Chicago Parking Authority.”
MD: I loved “American Hustle” but I wouldn’t call it a comedy. If so then “Goodfellas” is a comedy.
MC: “Goodfellas” is super funny.
BB: Not a comedy, no; but the funniest of all those films.
MD: Reese Witherspoon really captured the horror of the Transatlantic Slave Trade.
EB: They chose her because she was a debutante from Tennessee.
BB: = totally identifies with slaves.
MD: @ReeseWitherspoon. Slavery #ourbad
EB: Meanwhile, even smiling makes her face hurt.
NB: I can set my clock by your hatred of Reese Witherspoon.
BB: Yeah, but then you have to re-learn the entire clock by what time we hate Reese Witherspoon. Like you have to be at work by two hours past Erin-Hates-Reese-Witherspoon.
NB: I just need a rundown of the show that says when she appears
MD: I’m on Hating-Reese-Witherspoon savings time.
EB: My hated for Reese wakes me up every morning.
NB: Does your hatred of Anne Hathaway mean it’s lunchtime?
EB: You know it.I try to be passed out by Paltrow time.
BB: “We get … to make films … about people.” That’s generally much more successful than films about furniture.
NB: But not as much as films about penguins.
EB: Because this guy accepting the award is on his way to being The Penguin.
MD: So who is that holding the “American Hustle” Golden Globe?
BB: “Globe Holder.”
MD: Globe Holder is opening up for Tam Honks next Thursday at the Diamond Ballroom.
EB: I’ll hold JLaw’s globes.
NB: Get in line.
MC: I’m going to get on JLaw’s management team.
EB: Globe management?
NB: And somebody has to carry all her novelty butt plugs.
BB: “I’m Cate Blanchett, and I’ve been drinking.” NEVER CHANGE CATE BLANCHETT!
MD: I bet she knows where the mistresses are buried.
NB: Galadriel is drunk!
BB: She was always my favorite.
MC: The Judy Garland reference was great.
EB: Awright, awright, awright. Matthew McConaughey wins Best Actor.
BB: He’s totally gonna take his shirt off.
EB: Here’s hoping!
MD: But seriously Chiwetel was robbed.
MC: Break out the bongos!
MC: Redford has no clue who this guy is.
MD: I’m starting to think McConaughey should accept every award.
BB: I fuckin’ love that guy. He is in charge of all the acceptance speeches ever from now on.
MD: I bet Johnny Depp’s gonna be weeeeeeeird.
MC: How would we know if he wasn’t?
MD: I really want to see this Spike Lee space joint
MC: It’s called “He Got Game 2.”
MD: “He Got Space Jam Game.” I love that “12 Years a Slave” won Best Picture and I love that there is a black, British Steve McQueen.
BB: He will play Clayton in the movie.
MC: He’s basically a much cooler Steve McQueen.
BB: Nice that there’s an Amish guy in the production team.
MD: Plus Fassbender’s wang was a grip on this movie.
MC: Is Depp putting the moves on junior Bacon back there?
MD: So that’s it? Golden Globes move a lot more briskly than the Oscars.
BB: OK, well. We all learned a lot tonight.
MC: Good effort you guys.
EB: It’s half past Dunham-thirty which means I am going to bed.
BB: Nice callback.
NB: HBO Go, here I come!
MD: Many thanks people, this was fun. Let’s do it again for the Grammys. Clayton, it’s your time to shine.
MC: I’m already working on my material. #yeezus