Soap Rodeo Round-Up! Infectious Diseases Edition
Soap Rodeo Round-Up! Infectious Diseases Edition

This morning, after a week of coal miner level hacking I was officially diagnosed with pertussis, AKA whooping cough. It’s given me a voice that makes Kathleen Turner sound like Butterfly McQueen, which is nice, especially since talking on the phone is 90% of my professional job. But since the CDC has mailed a Depression-era quarantine sign to put in front of my house I have all this time to kill. I thought it would be fun to check in on our soaps and see how things are moving along.

Let’s start with “Hollyoaks.” Actually, let’s not. The less said about this shit storm the better. When Brendan Brady left he took with him the most interesting part of an already ridiculous show. Before I would get naughty quivers when I watched Brendan thump Ste and that made the rest of the show somewhat bearable; assuming I was drunk, watching it on mute, without my glasses. Now I have more fun counting the mucus-filled tissues surrounding my gamey sickbed.

Here’s an idea of what’s going on in Chester: With Brendan in the joint Ste’s gone off the rails. Robbie, the town’s latest toerag, stole some drugs from his brother who had originally stolen them from Ste. Or maybe Ste stole them from the brother? Who cares. Either way, Ste is selling drugs in a desperate attempt to buy Chez Chez. Ste thinks that because Brendan owned the club that he is entitled to it. What Ste doesn’t realize is that he’s an idiot who couldn’t run a business if it was strapped to his dick.

I have a feeling I’ll stick around to see who beats the shit out of Ste next, though that could just be the hydrocodone talking. I wonder if that’s what Ste’s selling. If he were my dealer I’d beat him up and take his drugs.

One of “Hollyoaks'” major problems (other than everything else) is that Texas’ wedding day murder is dominating the entire program. Now, I know I’m not a 16-years-old-girl who lives in the UK so I’m not exactly the target audience but I guarantee that nobody has, does, or ever will give a shit about Texas and Dodger. Firstly, her name is Texas. People talk a lot of shit about soap opera names but none have been so retarded as Texas. Second, I found it impossible to believe that anyone could claim to love Dodger because not only does he also have a dumb name, he himself is as dumb as his name. Third, the fact that Texas agreed to marry Will the Creeper just because she felt sorry for him really knocks it out of the park. Especially since I’m pretty sure that Texas knew all along that Will was, for a while, apprentice to the serial killer who offed Texas’ sister (and framed Brendan Brady!).

What this boils down to is Texas deserved to be pushed out that window by Will because that’s what you get for marrying a journeyman serial killer who, by the way, can actually walk and doesn’t need that wheelchair at all.

I give it 9 snotty Kleenexes.

Moving on to “Days of Our Lives.” When we last visited Salem, Nick was scheming to cut Will (a different, non-evil Will) out of his baby’s life because Will was gay. They’d been dropping anvil-sized hints for a while about what really happened to Nick in prison. Turns out he was raped, but we knew all along that he’d been raped. I do have to give the show credit because this whole time I thought Vargas had done the dastardly deed. Not so! Vargas had actually protected Nick in the big house and now that he was out he needed Nick to do some light money laundering for him. That seems fair, right?

Well, Vargas was nowhere to be found when a day player named Jensen showed up and kidnapped Nick and Gabi. But you know who was there? Will and Sonny. They were Johnnies-on-the-spot and followed Jensen and his captives to a suspiciously land-locked island where they managed to get Gabi free. Will insisted that Sonny get Gabi to a nunnery but he only got her as far as another shack and wouldn’t you know it, she went into labor.

When Will tried to free Nick he got shot for his troubles. Fortunately, Hope (formerly of super-couple Bo and Hope) tracked them to the “island” and popped two caps into Jensen’s chest before he could rechristen Nick his bitch. Don’t worry though; Nick was a little bitch the whole time.

Sonny managed to deliver li’l Arianna Grace without vomiting at the sight of Gabi’s lady parts. I guess vaginal disgust is too much for daytime, even in 2013.

Will was in a coma for a couple of days which gave everyone some quality ‘talking by the hospital bed’ time. I can’t complain too much because Sonny was actually really sweet. When Will woke up and finally got to meet his daughter I had to keep from punching “Days of Our Lives” right in the face for making me tear up after so many months of bullshit.

I give it 7 delicious spoons full of narcotic cough syrup.

Finally – and I’ve been putting this one off for a while – I must address the passing of the vaunted Jeanne Cooper. For 40 years Cooper played Katherine Chancellor on “The Young and the Restless.” I only started watching “Y&R” about five years ago but I can tell you that not a day went by that I didn’t wish that I could call and beg her to help me with my personal problems; the lady or the character. It didn’t matter as I’m sure both could have carried me along that beach.

Due to the longevity of soap operas, actors sometimes die in the role. It happened with Philip Carey who played Asa Buchanan on “One Life to Live” and Helen Wagner, Nancy Hughes on “As the World Turns,” plus many more. I wasn’t watching “One Life to Live” when Asa died and Nancy had been all but written out of the show by that point. Their passing, while emotional, didn’t have the same impact.

Katherine Chancellor was the first legacy character that I lost. Her death has not yet been addressed on the show but I can already feel the gap she left behind. Other than Victor Newman and some might say more so, Katherine Chancellor was “The Young and the Restless.” In a universe filled with so many people making terrible decisions, Katherine was the one person who could and would call them out on their bullshit, even Victor; especially Victor.

I’m excited to see the effect that her passing will have on the story canvas because everyone in Genoa City is connected to Katherine in one way or another. It will be interesting to see where the show goes from here.

I give it 10 soft quilts for cuddling.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have two bags of 1,000 ball-peen hammers resting on my lungs. It’s time to suckle my narcotic medicine teat and dream of a productive cough.

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