Hollywood was spreading the love around last night as several movies got a moment in the sun. The Oscar ceremony itself was filled with highs and lows all of which were documented by the exemplary pop culture roundtable of myself, Matt Clayton, Brian, and Erin Byrne, and Nate Billings. We learned a lot, we laughed a lot, and most importantly, we discovered the true meaning of Christmas. Here it is, as it happened:
Matt Clayton: I wish you guys could see this; I got my hair permed for the Oscars.
Mat DeKinder: Like Bradley Cooper?
MC: Yes. Exactly like BC.
MD: That’s a signature look.
MC: Is it time for Jonah Hill to go away? Or has he crossed that threshold of becoming a legit actor?
MD: I think he might be legit. Also, we’re the Bradley Cooper and Jonah Hill of our crew.
MC: That’s the most legit statement ever made. Clearly, I’m Jonah. Which is fine.
MD: I was going to let you be BC since you’ve got the hair.
MC: I’ll be a hybrid.
MD: Will Smith just recognized the cameraman from Fresh Prince. Is it possible the cameraman was Jazzy Jeff?
MC: It was Carlton.
MD: Isn’t he dead?
MC: Uncle Phil is dead.
MD: Oh, right.
Brian Byrne: Dude, my hand to god, I have gotten no fewer than three wrong-number calls in the last two days from someone asking for Carlton. It’s making me wish Carlton really were here. Even more than usual.
MD: That’s awesome. That’s like that time in college when Abe Froman popped up on my caller ID.
MC: The sausage king of Chicago?
MD: I can only assume.
BB: Wait. Did you miss the call? Or did you pick up immediately?
MD: Missed the call. Like I wouldn’t pick up? The Sausage King only knocks once.
BB: Well, precisely.
Erin Lady Byrne: I’ve got some shit to say.
MD: Erin, you and Clayton should host a red carpet show.
MC: Everyone would watch that show!!!!
EB: Now, back to the withering commentary!
MC: “Emma Watson is looking very fetch tonight.”
EB: “How does it feel being awful, Julia Roberts?”
BB: STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN!
MC: I’ll never stop!
MD: I’d fetch Emma Watson
BB: Fetch her gently; she’ll break.
EB: “So, Bradley Cooper, we all know you’re totally gay. Don’t try and deny it. Your beards are whispier than Seacrest’s.” “Shut your talk hole, Jolie.” “Good day, Jonah Hill. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!!”
MD: Appointment television.
MC: It would be me punching Jonah Hill and just cutting to commercial.
EB: Clayton punching the nominees while I insult them would be the best show on TV.
MC: Is Ellen opening for Austin Powers?
EB: She’s got a date later on at the Gentleman’s Society for the Appreciation of American Beefsteak club. I wish Lupita Nyong’o had gone for the high and tight fade.
MD: Not sure how I feel about all those inflatable Oscars behind Ellen. It looks like a birthday party at the Pitt-Jolie house.
EB: I want to do nothing more than drink with Steve Coogan and the real Philomena. Then we’d eat sticky toffee pudding.
MC: Who finishes the show after Liza curb stomps Ellen after the first break?
EB: Why is Travolta there? Why are these people there?
MC: Scientology meeting?
BB: CLAYTON WINS!
EB: I’m gonna say it, guys; I’m not in love with Amy Adams.
MD: Even after all the “American Hustle” cleavage?
EB: You guys all know that hot cleave and liking someone is two different things.
MD: We’re male. We don’t actually know that.
BB: Wow, I would buy Jared Leto’s Mom a delicious steak dinner, and then I would TOTALLY CALL HER BACK.
MC: Ellen is killing it tonight.
MD: Ellen really brought it. Strong.
MD: Jared Leto wins the first Oscar of the night! Who was that random dude trying to hug Leto’s mom?
BB: Me. Slipped her my digits. Back before anybody noticed I was gone. God, Leto’s mom is foxy AND inspirational?
EB: I can’t believe he just plugged his band.
MD: Stop plugging your band, Leto!
BB: I missed the part where he plugged his band because Erin’s Mom just called me asking which one was the movie where the guy was saying he wanted to be pretty.
“Dallas Buyer’s Club.”
EB: I’m sure Ukraine thanks you, Leto.
MD: I think he thanked the entire world just then. Clayton’s the father of Kerry Washington’s baby. #scandal!
MC: Pharrell’s hat is the father.
EB: Let’s buck the trend and not mention the hat.
BB: Oh, totally agreed. 900% agreed.
MD: I’d dance with Meryl Streep.
BB: I’d dance with Leto’s Mom.
MD: Clayton, do you feel like a room without a roof?
MC: All the time.
BB: God, The Edge, take the sock off your head we know you’re bald. LET IT GO! None of us will like you any less.
MD: He does it to keep the magic alive with Bono.
BB: When they’re alone he flips the sock over and inside there’s a picture of Bono.
EB: They sit in a room and jerk each other off and it has nothing at all to do with sex or feelings. They just talk about music and the IRA
MD: It has to do with social injustice
BB: No. It’s just business. They get paid $7,500 every time they do it.
EB: It’s part of the creative process.
MD: Set change!
EB: Naomi Watts, don’t mention the Princess Diana movie. Don’t mention the Princess Diana movie.
MD: She’s going to mention 30 Seconds to Mars
BB: OH FUCK, PLEASE LET “BAD GRANDPA” WIN AN OSCAR!
EB: Why are there no broken-down drag-queens accepting the Best Makeup award for “Dallas Buyers Club?”
MD: Makeup nominees get their own booth?
EB: Maybe nosebleed-seat nominees get to come down and sit in the booth when their category is up.
BB: Dude, that’s gotta be it. Good call.
MD: Like they rotate them out? Solid planning.
EB: I don’t know how I feel about Harrison Ford these days.
BB: Marlon Brando once said that if you want something from an audience, you have to give blood to the American Red Cross.
MD: He can barely muster up the energy to care.
BB: He’s ‘shrooming his ass off.
EB: If you look close he’s being propped up by $100 bills.
BB: NO METAL IN THE SCIENCE OVEN!!!
MD: Set change!
EB: Oh, Kim Novak. That’s no good. Wooderson is working alone here.
MD: Plastic surgery horror stories.
BB: These two are incredibly solemn about the animation category. I want Matthew McConaughey saying “Mister Hublot!” in a moderately surprised tone to be my new text message tone.
MC: I’m so over “Frozen.”
MD: Is your daughter into “Frozen” Clayton?
BB: I’m into Frozen Clayton. It’s almost as good as fresh Clayton.
MC: Mr. Freeze Clayton!
EB: Frozen Clayton! Lo-carb dessert for the whole family!
MC: Frozen Clayton: Great for the paleo diet.
BB: DeGeneres is Frozen Clayton’s first celebrity endorsement.
EB: I hope Ellen has a tux change. Emma Watson’s hair is no good.
MC: Emma Watson is just amazing.
EB: She looks like she got her hair did then took a nap in a sleeping bag.
MC: I think she was sitting too close to Leto and caught some bad hair mojo.
EB: Leto’s hair sucked all the style out of hers. And the Oscar for Twee As Fuck goes to….”The Moon Song.”
MD: I keep waiting for Clayton to show up and smash the guitar like Belushi in “Animal House.”
MC: It got cut out.
EB: Please, Clayton. For me?
MC: I fucked it up in the final rehearsal. They didn’t like how violent I was. Not PG enough.
EB: Assholes, they knew who they called.
MD: Set change! And now for the shorts, or where Oscar pools are won or lost.
EB: Well, hello Oscar winner. Would you like to come on to the veranda and show me your major award? Leave your beautiful wife and daughter behind.
MD: Sprechen sie Deutsch, baby?
MC: Erin, can Spike Lee be on our TV show to yell about white people in Brooklyn? It would be amazing.
MD: I hate white people in Brooklyn!
EB: Yes, Clayton. I’ll talk to him about how I went to John Marshall so that gives me cred in perpetuity.
MC: I went to Tulsa Union. That gives me the ability to judge everyone in a way that I can’t even explain.
EB: Then we do the Kid’n’Play
MC: Boom. TV show.
MD: How hard is that, people?!?
EB: It’s called “Erin Leigh Clayton.”
MC: Check out the latest “ELC” episode this morning at 2:15 a.m. on the O Network.
EB: I’m sure this backup singer doc is good but didn’t the one about Syria cost actual lives?
MD: Same with the one about Indonesian death squads. But, you know the lady singing behind Sting is interesting too I guess. How has Angela Lansbury not shown up on “Downton Abbey?”
EB: “Downton” called and Lansbury was busy
MD: I’d watch a whole show where she and Maggie Smith bitched about stuff.
EB: It’s called “Hard Truths with Lansbury and Smith.”
Nate Billings: How can he not have a statue? Tyler Perry is just doing what Jared Leto did but Perry did it first.
MD: Strong point, Nate.
MC: He stole Eddie Murphy’s act. Eddie deserves an Oscar then.
MD: Bono was just singing sultrily to Leto’s mom
BB: DOROTHY LETO WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM! Wouldn’t it be awesome if somebody snatched that sock off The Edge’s head but it turned out he had an impossibly lush, magnificent, Nate-like head of hair under there? And he’d been hiding it the whole time because he was worried it’d throw the world out of balance?
NB: That is my new dream.
BB: And it turned out Bono had been wearing a merkin made of Edge clippings this whole time.
NB: It makes me want to cover my head for years for a payoff like that someday. It’s like the secret of “The Prestige.” Dedication. Lifelong dedication.
MD: Clayton turns silver and plastic into dreams.
EB: I would puke when people talk about how movies are dreams but “American Hustle” made me want to change my whole look.
NB: A special award of merit for all who worked in the labs… Can you put that in your resume or send off for a statue if you’re one of those thousands of people?
BB: I was just thinking that they’ll have a statuette available for every single one of the couple hundred thousand people eligible for that.
EB: Christopher Nolan’s keeping it at his house and they can come to touch it for a second by appointment only.
MD: Except they’re all dead from mercury poisoning.
NB: It should travel like Lord Staley’s Cup. I mean Stanley.
BB: Lord Duce Staley’s cup.
NB: Not Paul Staley’s Cup. Damn phone.
BB: Wait. What about Stanley Kubrick’s cup?
MD: Set change redux!
EB: Dek, do you know the set guys, or what? Because you’re really bringing their work to our attention.
MD: I’m a lover of stagecraft.
NB: Stager of Lovecraft.
MD: Cthulhu lives!
MC: My acceptance speech: Fuck those other bitches. I did this shit by myself. It was all me. Out.
BB: LIZA! Liza likes to help a sister out and gave Lupita some love after winning an Oscar.
NB: Lucille 2 needed a hug.
MD: When Liza tackles someone it’s like a blessing from the Pope. Did Lupita just thank John Bobbitt?
MC: What a great speech. Some actual emotion.
EB: No shit, Clayton. I hope Liza presents Best Picture.
MD: She should just be waiting by the steps waiting to tackle the winner. Like Cato in “The Pink Panther.”
EB: This pizza gag is working.
MD: I’d take Leto’s mom out for a slice of pizza.
NB: And I’m totally good with a movie that digital winning the cinematography award. “Gravity” was groundbreaking. Big time.
MC: Ellen is crushing it tonight.
BB: She is Babe Ruth up in here.
EB: When your wife is as hot as hers you’re capable of anything. Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch are the hottest couple of the night!
BB: Totes McGunderson
EB: Garner wins best dress.
MD: I really like Jennifer Garner and I always root for her, but I’m worried that she’s not a very good actress.
EB: I’m talking about James Garner
MD: Oh well then. James Garner is the shit.
BB: Yeah, well. She seems like a really nice person, so I’m willing to float her on the whole acting thing.
MD: That’s how I feel.
NB: Does Baz Lehrnan’s wife have all the Oscars in the family?
MD: Who’s the big closer for In Memoriam? Gotta be Philip Seymour Hoffman, right?
EB: It better be Shirley Temple!
MD: Oh shit, forgot about Shirley.
BB: Awww, Gandolfini! BILLY FUCKING JACK!
MD: Billy Jack died!?
NB: The year is so long that I forget who left us before their time.
BB: Paul Walker, the world was never meant for one as Fast and Furious as you.
MD: Strong year for In Memoriam.
BB: Yeah, lotta good dead people here.
EB: Temple deserves better placement!
NB: Anchoring the middle is good placement.
BB: Maximilian Schell — actor, “Deep Impact”
MD: Shit, Esther Williams died! Brian, you are the wind beneath my wings.
BB: You* are the wind beneath my wings too.
*and Nate and Clayton
*and I guess my wife sometimes too
EB: P.S. This song rules above all songs
MD: Bette’s held up pretty good.
BB: She has totally had some work done, but it’s very well-done work.
EB: I hope she sings “The Rose” next
BB: I was halfway through a diatribe about how it’s criminal that every Oscar death montage doesn’t end with “How Do I Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz II Men, but this shut me right up.
EB: I’m serious about this Shirley Temple final spot in the In Memoriam robbery, guys. She helped invent movies and died a successful lady, not naked with a needle in her arm. She helped America through the Depression AND broke racial barriers. And Peter O’Toole was Peter FUCKING O’Toole.
NB: If you’re looking for the best to win, those who have accomplished the most honored in the proper order and a lack of Samsung product placements, you’ve come to the wrong genre of TV show.
MD: There is no justice to this awards show.
NB: I’m most impressed with Shirley Temple dancing with black men when it wasn’t allowed.
EB: So, Jessica Biel, how does it feel to be so goddam boring?
BB: Finally, the “Stealth” reunion we’ve been clamoring for!
EB: Like, when you and Blake Lively get together is there a black hole?
NB: If Timberlake finds Jessica Biel interesting, then there’s more than just her amazing ass. She’s just holding back.
MD: And to his credit, she does have an amazing ass. Solid marriages are based on amazing asses.
BB: Look, I like Timberlake as much as the next guy, but let’s not give him all the benefits of all the doubts.
NB: Until I have 4-6 dinners with her, I reserve judgment.
EB: And a lap dance.
BB: I will need 46 dinners with her. It’d be great if it were obvious after like 3 dinners, but we were still committed to 46 dinners.
MD: Robert Lopez just EGOT’ed!
EB: He and his wife are winning.
BB: “Derek John!”
“Chuck U. Farley!”
“Senator Paul Tsongas!”
EB: Sometimes I feel like shit because I let fear and shame get in my mix
BB: “Jimmy Chim-Chim Charooooo!”
“Balls ‘Testes’ Johnson!”
“Humorous Carl Von Skittleshorts!”
EB: I’m out of wine and covered in cats!!
BB: “Nathaniel ‘Nahan’ Wilson Von Gunderson!”
“Bubbles ‘Jeff’ Willis!”
MD: Forget it, he’s rolling.
NB: Sorry I have to leave before the meat of the show.
BB: “Zingles Von Smith!”
“Zingles Von Jones!”
“Zingles Von Billings”
“Zingles Van Johnson!”
Zingles Van Halen!”
MD: Thanks for dropping in, Nate! The drunks and I will turn out the lights. That’s a lot of vintage typewriters behind De Niro.
BB: I’m concerned by the subtle flapping of the typewriter sheets.
MD: That’s the first signs of an impending Sharknado!
BB: Ellen DeGeneres deserves super, extra-props for keeping things fun far, far longer than most are able to.
EB: Brian keeps playing Boyz 2 Men during the commercial breaks.
MD: Poitier should be able to come out by himself.
EB: The Byrnes are choosing to commemorate Sir Mr. Tibbs Poitier’saward with the vocal stylings of….Boyz 2 Men.
MD: I love everything about that. Alfanso Curaron with the win for Best Director! Well deserved.
EB: His “Harry Potter” was the best one.
BB: It totally was!
MD: Three awards left and already eight minutes over.
EB: Blame Ellen’s pizza.
MD: They should give Cate Blanchett her Oscar during the commercial break since it is such a foregone conclusion. DDL in the house!
EB: I like how Daniel Day-Lewis is just popping in to give this out.
MD: I love Cate Blanchett and she gives a hell of a performance, but it’s for a horribly written character.
BB: Horribly written by a horrible person!
EB: Because Woody Allen hates women
MD: Meryl Streep gets it. She called him out on that in an interview in the 70s. She basically said he was wasting his talent because he was obsessed with the New York jet set.
BB: Good on her!
EB: She’s the only one who is ever genuinely happy when someone else wins.
BB: I wish the cast of “Blue Jasmine” had been in a better movie. (Have not seen the movie.) (Know nothing at all of which I speak.)
MD: Andrew Dice Clay is actually really good in it.
BB: Wait, WHAT?!?
MD: Yep. That’s a true thing. I think we’re about to get McConaughey’d
EB: I’ve been waiting my whole life for that.
BB: All right, all right, all right.
EB: Just as long as Leo doesn’t win.
MD: Leo demands at least four screaming scenes a movie.
BB: A hearty pat on the back from McConaughey’s Mom!!!
MD: He hugged Leo! Shoulda hugged Dorothy Leto.
EB: I bet her and Leto’s mom have a lot to talk about
MD: I want to party in heaven with McConaughey’s dad!
BB: SCORE! L-I-V-I-N
MD: Holy shit! McConaughey should be an inspirational speaker at high schools across America!!!!
EB: I like to think that this is the Oscar he deserved for “Dazed and Confused,” but he only got it now.
MD: “12 Years a Slave” wins! Oscar got it right.
EB: Wait, slavery was bad?
MD: For reals.
BB: Such a great director. Such a great driver.
MD: There can be only one Steve McQueen. But if there has to be two, I’m glad he’s black and British.
BB: Many years ago he cut the head off the old Steve McQueen. Then he became the last Steve McQueen.
MD: Oscar night! Well done Byrnes, you win the attendance prize for making it to the end.
BB: All right! We’ve all learned a lot this evening, mostly about Jared Leto’s hot mom.
MD: Dorothy Leto: AARP’s new pinup girl.
BB: I’ll be expecting my “Neither Absent Nor Tardy” award in the mail.
MD: Excellent. Thanks a ton, guys.
EB: Best All-Around Guest goes to one Erin Lady Clayton.
BB: Word up. Goodnight guys.