It was a wild night at the Grammy Awards that was dominated by French robots and teenaged Kiwis. With a little help from music expert Matt Clayton and a special appearance by guest DJ Nate Billings we ripped through a night with plenty of high notes and a few low ones. Here’s how it went down:
Matt Clayton: I’ve got my Kanye manifesto ready if Macklemore wins Song of the Year. He deserves it.
Mat DeKinder: Dude you are ready to go! Has there ever been an artist you simultaneously love and hate as much as Kanye?
MC: Not at all. Maybe David Lee Roth.
MD: Can we agree before we start that the Grammys do a terrible job of handing out awards but do the best job of putting on an awards show?
MC: Certainly. I’ll be thoroughly entertained for half of this show.
MD: These old Grammy clips make me regret not watching the Grammys more. Hold up. Yonce’!!!!!! Damn!
MD: I may be unable to type during this.
MC: Siri, take over for a second. Jay!!!!
MD: Are they our royalty?
MC: I think so. The closest we have. They’re a younger Michele and Barack.
MD: HOVA 4 PREZ!!!!!
MC: How many different hats will LL wear tonight?
MD: Where’s the Paddington hat? He still got that? Ugh, now I’m worried Yoko is going to break up the Grammys.
MC: Is she there to finish off Paul and Ringo?
MD: Exactly. Daft Punk in the house! I like to think they just pay random homeless guys to wear the helmets and show up at these awards shows for them.
MC: Is that Yogi Bear? Nope, it’s Pharrell.
MD: That Anna Kendrick Lamar album is amazing
MC: Lots of harmony.
MD: So how does Macklemore not win this first award?
MC: I think we may have an early theme for the night. Just say that every time they’re nominated.
MD: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis win! You could rock that suit, Clayton.
MC: Which one?
MC: That’s velvet!
MD: A Kiwi? I thought Lorde was a Brit. I kinda dig her though.
MC: For sure. Dek, we’re driving Cadillacs in our dreams.
MD: Totally. She’s kind of weirding me out now though.I may have to stop calling you Queen Bee.
MC: Is Shakira a thing still?
MD: More importantly, has she ever seen the inside of a Target?
MC: Hips don’t lie, but does anyone listen to her? She’s married to a soccer player who plays for Barcelona.
MD: Do you make his head bleed in FIFA?
MC: Yes. Usually results in a red card. Worth it. This Hunter Hays song is really awful. Great message. Bad singing.
MD: Is it bad that I don’t know who Hunter Hays is? My wife says she’s a little disappointed that’s one of her 20 performances. In other news, we’re winning Best Pop Duo next year, Clayton.
MD: Daft Punk needs to win all the awards
MC: Lots of good options here. Daft Punk is the clear choice though. Never mind. JT and Jay-Z should have won.
MD: Daft Punk wins! Our new robot overlords are benevolent with their jams
MC: They are just really advanced storm troopers.
MD: Katy Perry is performing from the set of “The Dark Crystal.”
MC: Can I blame Tim Burton for this?
MD: And the cast of “Cats.”
MC: Is Katy Perry in Slytherin?
MD: Point for Gryffindor! Remember when they burned Katy Perry at the steak at the Grammys?
MC: Thanks, Yoko.
MD: As it turns out there are 900 members of Chicago.
MC: Technically, we’re both in Chicago. “Saturday in the Park!” That’s my jam!
MD: Every day’s the Fourth of July, motherfuckers!!!!
MC: Is it time for this song to go away? “Blurred Lines” time is up.
MD: That was cool. I’ll let Robin Thicke slide. The Grammys are never known for their freshness anyway.
MC: That’s true.
MD: Clayton, we fell in love in the back of a cop car.
MC: Which time?
MD: This Keith Urban song might be the worst song ever performed in the history of the Grammys.
MC: Blake Shelton even thinks this song is about nothing.
MD: Did this song happen in Australia? Do cops there even have guns or do they just whack you with a didgeridoo?
MC: They throw a koala at you. Or a sloth.
MD: Remember when rock music was relevant? The Grammys sure don’t.
MC: Rock. Is. Dead.
MD: If it wasn’t before old, fat Pat Smear killed it.
MC: Why is “Sirens” from Pearl Jam not nominated?
MD: Excellent question! There is some decent rock happening still, but it’s happening far, far off of Grammy’s radar. Adding insult to injury, after a 75-year-old Paul McCartney wins best rock song, we get a Taylor Swift performance.
MC: I’ll have what she’s having.
MD: Voice-gasim! Piano-gasim!
MC: She’ll be like Stevie Nicks is 30 years.
MD: Take that back! She couldn’t carry Stevie’s scarves! Or her cauldron!
MC: She’ll just be borrowing them on tour. Is Pink still a thing?
MD: She wishes she was in the circus.
MC: If you do the same thing as before, it no longer is special or a “Grammy moment.”
MD: The seventh row just saw her vulva. That fun guy is going to come out riding a motorcycle in a circular cage.
MC: Lorde is also in Slytherin.
MD: She’s in Hogwarts’ foreign exchange program.
MC: This is what kills me about the Grammys. No reason at all for Ringo to be up on stage. None at all.
MD: He’s Ringo! That’s reason enough.
MC: Not true.
MD: “JT is too busy performing in MasterCard commercials to accept this award…”
MC: What’s life like is Jay-Z is your dad? Cool or not?
MC: “Dad, can you please tell Uncle Kanye to stop interrupting me.”
MD: “I get it, Mom’s video is really good…jeez.”
MC: This Kendrick Lamar/Imagine Dragons performance is already amazing. More drum. More drum!
MD: Unfortunately Taylor Swift is the only one dancing.
MC: She’s down.
MD: She’s a Backstage Betty. This is awesome
MC: Let’s start a band and just have drums and a rapper. All kinds and sizes of drums.
MD: Steven Tyler creepily approves.
MC: They brought the color run to the stage. Brilliant.
MD: They may have just won the Grammys. Follow that Kacey Musgraves!
MC: And next, the Three Amigos!
MD: I feel really sorry for this girl. Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons just set the piano on fire and they throw her out there.
MC: But they have light-up jackets!
MD: She seems nice. She should have gone first.
MC: For sure. She had no chance. Ringo and McCartney. Yawn. This show hit a wall after Imagine Dragons and Kendrick.
MD: I’ve just been re-watching it over and over, has anything else happened? Whoa, that’s a lot of grey, Jeremy Renner.
MC: What’s the over/under on the amount of weed smoked by Willie, Merle, and Kristofferson?
MD: In metric tons?
MD: 300. Moving on, that Stevie Wonder, Daft Punk jam was outstanding.
MC: Really well done. Better than Imagine Dragons?
MD: Different, hard to say better. Can they both win?
MC: Pharrell’s hat has a Twitter account. That means they win.
MD: Song of the Year is a tough call, who wins this one Clayton?
MC: Macklemore. Wait, what? Lorde? What a fucking rip.
MD: Snape fixed this for her.
MC: The Grammy Awards continue to ignore great hip hop and rap artists for this award. Such bullshit. “Royals” is a great song, but not song of the year. Not even close. Kanye even thinks Macklemore got screwed.
MD: Where is Kanye? Is he not nominated?
MC: He wasn’t nominated for anything major. “Yeezus” is a great album.
MD: Artistically it might be the most important album of the last 20 years.
MC: Is Metallica performing “One” tonight?
MD: With an Asian pianist? Long Long? Oh, I’m sorry, Lang Lang.
MC: This is going to blow my mind. “One” is my favorite Metallica song.
MD: That explains a lot.
Nate Billings: Is this going to be like Trans-Siberian Orchestra?
MC: Is this the Lang Lang Incident?
NB: Sorry I’m late. I remember the first time I saw this video (the first one Metallica ever made). It was like 8 minutes long and made me afraid of losing all my senses in war.
MD: “Darkness, imprisoning me. All that I see, absolute horror.” Good times.
MC: This didn’t make the cut at our wedding. I was really upset.
NB: Or maybe it’s time for a piano solo…
MC: Lang …. Bring it home buddy.
MD: That was rad. Totally unnecessary, but rad. Lorde vs. Daft Punk for Record of the Year!
NB: I’ve had the difference between Song of the Year and Record of the Year explained many times, and I still keep getting it confused. Daft Punk wins! Will they speak? Take off the helmets?!
MC: Pharrell will handle it.
NB: I think Pharrell is about to join the Canadian Mounties.
MC: I really expect one of them to be Sheldon Cooper.
MD: Sorry Pharrell, but France could give a shit.
NB: They follow the Grammys very closely, from what I’ve read.
MC: That’s the Tour De France. Different.
NB: More doping at the Grammys.
MD: And that’s just Willie Nelson by himself.
NB: I really hope Macklemore and Ryan Lewis don’t play “Same Love.” I completely agree with the message, but it is terrible.
MD: “Same Love” isn’t really a song. It’s Def Poetry Jam with a hook.
NB: That’s an insult to Def Poetry Jam. Oh. No. It’s happening.
MD: Ugh. Just give me a taste of “Thrift Shop!”
NB: Preach it.
MD: Or any of the other songs from that album…
MC: I love this. What it stands for. Etc. But I want some “popping tags.”
MD: Trombone Shorty is helping.
NB: Before dealing with the meaning of what art says, we must address how it says it. And this is a great message, but it doesn’t say it in a way that the message deserves. I think I stole that from Roger Ebert. I’m worried Madonna actually needs that cane.
MD: Queen Latifah and the Grammys are gay-marrying America!!!
MC: I blame the Grammy awards for using this song to exploit a hot button issue.
MD: Clayton, I think you and I now legally married.
MC: After sitting through this, we better be.
MD: We get to file a joint Fantasy Football Team this season.
MC: That’s a great idea. We can split costs!
NB: I think they were going for the Guinness world record for “most same-sex/heterosexual marriages performed at once.” I want to see Queen Latifah’s ministerial credentials. Does she have 30- licenses to sign? Can I get the robots as witnesses?
MD: The Reverend Doctor Queen Latifah.
NB: I was thinking maybe she was a captain instead of a reverend.
MD: How do the Oscars top that? A mass annulment?
NB: Yes, an annulment. Because what we and the brides and grooms don’t realize is that was just one big marriage. It’s the start of a CBS reality program about group love featuring the band Group Love.
MC: It’s part of the new season of “Survivor.”
MD: Nate, I’m glad to see your Celtic-American string band is really starting to take off.
NB: We were honored at a ceremony before the broadcast.
MC: I didn’t realize George Brett was the inspiration for the song “Royals!”
NB: Yeah, it’s weird; definitely the result of a cultural misunderstanding.
MD: We’re driving bullpen carts in our dreams.
MC: Point for Hufflepuff!
NB: Surprise, surprise. The show is running long.
MD: Because when I think Nine Inch Nails, I think Lindsey Buckingham.
MD: Friggin’ Yoko again. Yes, she totally deserves that Grammy for “Double Fantasy” for all the work she did on it.
NB: Taylor Swift should win for Album of the Year, but I like the robots.
MD: Daft Punk wins! Bow before your new masters!!!!!
NB: I wonder if you have to check your camera phone at the door when you go into the studio with Daft Punk. Just in case?
MD: Hooray! Robots support gay marriage!
MC: Robots will let us marry who we want!
MD: Proving that Lord Voldemort produced this year’s Grammy Awards, we present Trent Reznor, who, incidentally, founded Slytherin.
NB: I was hoping Keenan Thompson would come out and prevent Lindsey Buckingham from playing. “Ewww Whee. What’s up with that?”
MC: Genius. But even Yoko thinks this sucks.
NB: Well I have to respectfully disagree. This stuff is right up my alley.
MD: This is an odd choice for a closing number, but I’m with Nate.
MC: If the first five minutes wasn’t Reznor bullshit, it would have been fine.
NB: I love me some Reznor bullshit! I minored in that in college.
MD: Well that was a weird ending to a weird show. Thanks for braving that with me gentlemen.