'Days' baby-mama drama
‘Days’ baby-mama drama

Erin Byrne regularly dives into the soapy waters of daytime television and tries to make sense of it all. This week she takes on “Days of Our Lives.”

Meanwhile back in Salem, the only words that come out of ANYBODY’S mouths were “I just want what’s best for Gabi and The Baby.” Everyone including Sami (crazy bitch, don’t ever change), EJ (hot shit for real), Nick (fucking Nick), Will (idiot), Sonny (good job with the weight loss!), Rafe (tool), Kate (why does your nose look so weird?) and least of all, Gabi (absolutely worthless). They all want what’s best for this unborn baby who really should book the first ticket out of town.

You may be wondering what the hell I’m talking about. Fair point. Let me catch you up on all the “Days of Our Lives” drama. A few years ago the saintly Will Horton was dating the wretched Gabi Hernandez. She was constantly pressuring him for sex because his not wanting sex meant that she was defective.

Turns out he didn’t want sex because it is gradually becoming clear to him that he is Salem’s Only Gay (for now). Of course, he doesn’t want to be SOG, so he decides that after high-school graduation, he and Gabi need to move in together.

Will demonstrates the extent of his love, commitment, and total heterosexuality by destroying Jack and Jennifer’s kitchen. Whereupon Gabi made her life’s final good decision and said, “That’s cool; I’ll keep living in a room above your great-grandma’s bar that’s not really a bar.”

Will took it hard, so hard that when the swarthy Sonny Kiriakes came to town he had to double down on his heterosexuality. He did so by hanging out with Sonny and his gay friends at a bar called (I’m not even kidding) Unicorn Highway.

Will was so straight that when Kris Kristofferson’s son invited him to play beer pong Will got hammered and violently made out with him in some kind of grotto. Seriously, when they smashed faces Will had the same look in his eye as when he busted up the kitchen. He was so crazed by this bit of unsettling man-on-man action that he ran off and tripped over Gabi who was lying on the ground crying about some other shit.

To prove that he was 100% into chicks Will banged her, thus giving us the flashback that never quit. Ugh, the MOMENT they went into Gabi’s room I knew she gonna wind up pregs. And guess what, she did. But, because she’s so clueless, she didn’t realize it for several months. In the meantime, she falls for the recently paroled Nick Fallon. Nick Felon is more like it.

It was during a fight with his mom Sami Brady that Will finally told her he was gay, which, you know, is really the best time to do it. Will made this revelation because earlier he’d seen his mom banging (the white-hot) EJ DiMera when she was about to marry Rafe the Tool.

Will claimed it was because what she did was wrong. I don’t buy it. Will Horton came busting out of the closet because he could absolutely not conceal his EJ-induced boner for one more second. Why else would then he get a job as EJ’s dogsbody?

Will, excuse me, William and EJ’s chemistry was off the charts. EJ was always grabbing his face, saying stuff like “You work for me, William. Don’t ever forget it. Now, remove your clothing and commence the shining of my priceless, hand-tooled crocodile loafers,” and Will would cry because he was so happy.

EJ could barely conceal his disgust, but that’s one of the reasons he kept Will around, so he could be disgusted. Everything seemed to be going well but Will would inevitably cross a line, lean in for a kiss or something, and EJ would be forced to punch him in the stomach. Will always went back. No wonder that boy won the Daytime Emmy that year.

Clearly, this is not true. “Days” was too pussy to follow through with a May-September gay relationship made all the hotter by the constant threat of domestic abuse. (Meanwhile, in England, on Hollyoaks, that exact relationship was occurring and it was amazing.)

Anyway, Will and Sonny finally get together and I guess they’re ok. The guys are cute and all, but sooooo boooooring. After their first tender luuuuuv makin’ sesh Gabi shows up banging on the door crying because she’s pregnant. What does Will do? He leaves with her. He leaves Sonny, who’s wearing a black tank top because A) soap guys only wear black tank tops and B) he’s not as built as Will. Sonny’s all, “Screw you lose-bags, I’m going to Unicorn Highway.”

When Gabi told Will that she wanted an abortion I actually threw my arms in the air and made a joyful noise unto the Lord. That noise lasted .12748 seconds before I realized that she would never go through with it. Of course, she didn’t; thus commenced the period of lying to the whole town, telling them that Nick was really the father, even though she was at least 20 weeks along. Then there was a wedding that didn’t actually happen because Chad stood up and announced that Will was the father, not Nick. Scandal!

This is when Nick cooked up the idea to cut Will out of the picture because he hates gays, Nick, not Will. But Nick’s a clever guy, right. He knows he can’t just bust out there and say it. He’s got to finesse the situation.

He does so by suggesting that maybe Will can just see The Baby on weekends and still be a part of her life. Gabi reminds Will that when he was a baby his parents passed him around like a bong in a dorm room and surely he doesn’t want that for The Baby.

Will counters by reminding her that his mom lied to him for years saying his dad was actually someone else and he doesn’t want the same for his kid. For me, as the viewer, this did not seem unreasonable. Not so for Nick and Gabi, who argue that The Baby would just be confused by too many parents. Right, because by the time this child is old enough to be confused society will have shifted to a reality where every single kid in the world has two parents that are married and live at home together.

Of course, we are talking about Gabi here. There’s an excellent chance she’s the one who’s confused. I know I am. Will accepts this as a suitable arrangement. Nick even let him come to Gabi’s ultrasound and feel the baby kick. Surely he wouldn’t do those things if he didn’t want Will to be a part of The Baby’s life. Surely.

What Will and Gabi don’t know is that Nick Felon is planning to blackmail Will into signing away his parental rights. Thanks to his handy-dandy spy pen Nick found out that it was actually Will who shot EJ at his wedding to Sami and not Will’s dad, who took the rap.

Once again, Will interfering with Sami and EJ’s hook-up. Devilish! So when Nick drops this knowledge Will just rolls right over for him (which, knowing Will, isn’t surprising). Will agrees with this because, all together now, he only wants what best for Gabi and The Baby, and that means……? I guess that means allowing your child to be raised by an idiot and her felonious bigot of a husband because you’re too busy giving handy-js in the Unicorn Highway bathrooms.

By the time Will signs the paper he is such a sad, empty ballbag that I can barely yell at the television. Thank god for all that box wine or he might never have known how I really felt. As I moved to turn off the show it cuts to Sami and EJ (Let’s just call them EJami. No, let’s not) flopping onto their Lady Americana floor sample. She’s all scratchin’ his back and flinging her head around. At the very moment of implied entry, she whispers in his ear, “I want Nick Fallon gone.”

Now we’re talking. I could not WAIT until tomorrow’s episode and when tomorrow came it was fantastic. Sami and EJ burned up the sheets, dirty talking about how they’re going to destroy Nick. “He’s hurting my son,” Sami lisped. Then EJ in his posh accent, “I’m a DiMera and it doesn’t even matter that my first name is Elvis, I will destroy Nick Fallon so that I may continue to bone Samantha Brady.”

I didn’t even care that, on the other side of town, Will mustered up one pea-sized testicle and confronted Nick about why he REALLY wanted Will out of the picture. Guess what Will, it’s because you’re a ‘mo. I could have told you that five months ago. Five.

That’s where things left off this week. Join me next week when we find out if the soon-to-be-paroled Vargas raped Nick in prison (of course he did.)

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