Grammy rewind

Montag, Januar 27, 2014 | by: Mat DeKinder

It was a wild night at the Grammy Awards that was dominated by French robots and teenaged Kiwis. With a little help from music expert Matt Clayton and a special appearance by guest DJ Nate Billings we ripped through a night with plenty of high notes and a few low ones. Here's how it went down:

Matt Clayton: I've got my Kanye manifesto ready if Macklemore wins Song of the Year. He deserves it.

Mat DeKinder: Dude you are ready to go! Has there ever been an artist you simultaneously love and hate as much as Kanye?

MC: Not at all. Maybe David Lee Roth.

MD: Can we agree before we start that the Grammys do a terrible job of handing out awards but do the best job of putting on an awards show?

MC: Certainly. I'll be thoroughly entertained for half of this show.

MD: These old Grammy clips make me regret not watching the Grammys more. Hold up. Yonce'!!!!!! Damn!

MC: Damn!!!

MD: I may be unable to type during this.

MC: Siri, takeover for a second. Jay!!!!

MD: Are they our royalty?

MC: I think so. The closest we have. They're a younger Michele and Barack.

MD: HOVA 4 PREZ!!!!!

MC: How many different hats will LL wear tonight?

MD: Where's the Paddington hat? He still got that? Ugh, now I’m worried Yoko is going to break up the Grammys.

MC: Is she there to finish off Paul and Ringo?

MD: Exactly. Daft Punk in the house! I like to think they just pay random homeless guys to wear the helmets and show up at these awards shows for them.

MC: Is that Yogi Bear? Nope it’s Pharrell.

MD: That Anna Kendrick Lamar album is amazing

MC: Lots of harmony.

MD: So how does Macklemore not win this first award?

MC: I think we may have an early theme for the night. Just say that every time they're nominated.

MD: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis win! You could rock that suit, Clayton.

MC: Which one?

MD: Both.

MC: That's velvet!

MD: A Kiwi? I thought Lorde was a Brit. I kinda dig her though.

MC: For sure. Dek, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.

MD: Totally. She's kind of weirding me out now though. I may have to stop calling you Queen Bee.

MC: Is Shakira a thing still?

MD: More importantly, has she ever seen the inside of a Target?

MC: Hips don't lie, but does anyone listen to her? She's married to a soccer player who plays for Barcelona.

MD: Do you make his head bleed in FIFA?

MC: Yes. Usually results in a red card. Worth it. This Hunter Hays song is really awful. Great message. Bad singing.

MD: Is it bad that I don't know who Hunter Hays is? My wife says she's a little disappointed that's one of her 20 performances. In other news, we're winning Best Pop Duo next year, Clayton.

MC: Totally.

MD: Daft Punk needs to win all the awards

MC: Lots of good options here. Daft Punk is the clear choice though. Never mind. JT and Jay-Z should have won.

MD: Daft Punk wins! Our new robot overlords are benevolent with their jams

MC: They are just really advanced storm troopers.

MD: Katy Perry is performing from the set of "The Dark Crystal."

MC: Can I blame Tim Burton for this?

MD: And the cast of "Cats."

MC: Is Katy Perry in Slytherin?

MD: Point for Gryffindor! Remember when they burned Katy Perry at the steak at the Grammys?

MC: Thanks Yoko.

MD: As it turns out there are 900 members of Chicago.

MC: Technically, we're both in Chicago. “Saturday in the Park!” That's my jam!

MD: Every day’s the Fourth of July, motherfuckers!!!!

MC: Is it time for this song to go away? “Blurred Lines” time is up.

MD: That was cool. I’ll let Robin Thicke slide. The Grammys are never known for their freshness anyway.

MC: That's true.

MD: Clayton, we fell in love in the back of a cop car.

MC: Which time?

MD: This Keith Urban song might be the worst song ever performed in the history of the Grammys.

MC: Blake Shelton even thinks this song is about nothing.

MD: Did this song happen in Australia? Do cops there even have guns or do they just whack you with a didgeridoo?

MC: They throw a koala at you. Or a sloth.

MD: Remember when rock music was relevant? The Grammys sure don’t.

MC: Rock. Is. Dead.

MD: If it wasn't before old, fat Pat Smear killed it.

MC: Why is “Sirens” from Pearl Jam not nominated?

MD: Excellent question! There is some decent rock happening still, but it's happening far, far off of Grammy's radar. Adding insult to injury, after a 75-year-old Paul McCartney wins best rock song, we get a Taylor Swift performance.

MC: I'll have what she's having.

MD: Voice-gasim! Piano-gasim!

MC: She'll be like Stevie Nicks is 30 years.

MD: Take that back! She couldn't carry Stevie's scarves! Or her cauldron! 

MC: She'll just be borrowing them on tour. Is Pink still a thing?

MD: She wishes she was in the circus. 

MC: If you do the same thing as before, it no longer is special or a "Grammy moment."

MD: The seventh row just saw her vulva. That fun. guy is going to come out riding a motorcycle in a circular cage.

MC: Lorde is also in Slytherin.

MD: She's in Hogwarts' foreign exchange program.

MC: This is what kills me about the Grammys. No reason at all for Ringo to be up on stage. None at all.

MD: He's Ringo! That's reason enough.

MC: Not true.

MD: “JT is too busy performing in MasterCard commercials to accept this award...”

MC: What's life like is Jay-Z is your dad? Cool or not?

MD: Exhausting

MC: “Dad, can you please tell Uncle Kanye to stop interrupting me.”

MD: “I get it, Mom's video is really good...jeez.”

MC: This Kendrick Lamar/Imagine Dragons performance is already amazing. More drum. More drum!

MD: Unfortunately Taylor Swift is the only one dancing.

MC: She's down.

MD: She's a Backstage Betty. This is awesome

MC: Let's start a band and just have drums and a rapper. All kinds and sizes of drums.

MD: Done!!!!

MC: #grammymoment

MD: Steven Tyler creepily approves.

MC: They brought the color run to the stage. Brilliant.

MD: They may have just won the Grammys. Follow that Kacey Musgraves!

MC: And next, the Three Amigos!

MD: I feel really sorry for this girl. Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons just set the piano on fire and they throw her out there.

MC: But they have light up jackets!

MD: She seems nice. She should have gone first.

MC: For sure. She had no chance. Ringo and McCartney. Yawn. This show hit a wall after Imagine Dragons and Kendrick.

MD: I've just been re-watching it over and over, has anything else happened? Whoa, that's a lot of grey, Jeremy Renner.

MC: What’s the over/under on amount of weed smoked by Willie, Merle and Kristofferson?

MD: In metric tons?

MC: Yes.

MD: 300. Moving on, that Stevie Wonder, Daft Punk jam was outstanding.

MC: Really well done. Better than Imagine Dragons?

MD: Different, hard to say better. Can they both win?

MC: Pharrell’s hat has a twitter account. That means they win.

MD: Song of the Year is a tough call, who wins this one Clayton?

MC: Macklemore. Wait, what? Lorde? What a fucking rip.

MD: Snape fixed this for her.

MC: The Grammy Awards continue to ignore great hip hop and rap artists for this award. Such bullshit. “Royals” is a great song, but not song of the year. Not even close. Kanye even thinks Macklemore got screwed.

MD: Where is Kanye? Is he not nominated?

MC: He wasn't nominated for anything major. “Yeezus” is a great album.

MD: Artistically it might be the most important album of the last 20 years.

MC: Is Metallica performing “One” tonight?

MD: With an Asian pianist? Long Long? Oh, I’m sorry, Lang Lang.

MC: This is going to blow my mind. “One” is my favorite Metallica song.

MD: That explains a lot.

Nate Billings: Is this going to be like Trans-Siberian Orchestra?

MD: Nate!

MC: Is this the Lang Lang Incident?

NB: Sorry I'm late. I remember the first time I saw this video (the first one Metallica ever made). It was like 8 minutes long and made me afraid of losing all my senses in war.

MD: “Darkness, imprisoning me. All that I see, absolute horror.” Good times.

MC: This didn't make the cut at our wedding. I was really upset.

NB: Or maybe it's time for a piano solo...

MC: Lang .... Bring it home buddy.

MD: That was rad. Totally unnecessary, but rad. Lorde vs. Daft Punk for Record of the Year!

NB: I've had the difference between Song of the Year and Record of the Year explained many times, and I still keep getting it confused. Daft Punk wins! Will they speak? Take off the helmets?!

MC: Pharrell will handle it.

NB: I think Pharrell is about to join the Canadian Mounties.

MC: I really expect one of them to be Sheldon Cooper.

MD: Sorry Pharrell, but France could give a shit.

NB: They follow the Grammys very closely, from what I've read.

MC: That's the Tour De France. Different.

NB: More doping at the Grammys.

MD: And that's just Willie Nelson by himself.

NB: I really hope Macklemore and Ryan Lewis don't play "Same Love." I completely agree with the message, but it is terrible. 

MD: "Same Love" isn't really a song. It's Def Poetry Jam with a hook.

NB: That's an insult to Def Poetry Jam. Oh. No. It’s happening.

MD: Ugh. Just give me a taste of “Thrift Shop!”

NB: Preach it.

MD: Or any of the other songs from that album...

MC: I love this. What it stands for. Etc. But I want some "popping tags."

MD: Trombone Shorty is helping.

NB: Before dealing with the meaning of what art says, we must address how it says it. And this is a great message, but it doesn't say it in a way that the message deserves. I think I stole that from Roger Ebert. I’m worried Madonna actually needs that cane.

MD: Queen Latifah and the Grammys are gay-marrying America!!!

MC: I blame the Grammy awards for using this song to exploit a hot button issue.

MD: Clayton, I think you and I now legally married.

MC: After sitting through this, we better be.

MD: We get to file a joint Fantasy Football Team this season.

MC: That's a great idea. We can split costs!

NB: I think they were going for the Guinness world record for "most same sex/heterosexual marriages performed at once." I want to see Queen Latifah's ministerial credentials. Does she have 30+ licenses to sign? Can I get the robots as witnesses?

MD: The Reverend Doctor Queen Latifah.

NB: I was thinking maybe she was a captain instead of a reverend. 

MD: How do the Oscars top that? A mass annulment? 

NB: Yes, an annulment. Because what we and the brides and grooms don't realize is that was just one big marriage. It's the start of a CBS reality program about group love featuring the band Group Love.

MC: It's part of the new season of “Survivor.”

MD: Nate, I’m glad to see your Celtic-American string band is really starting to take off.

NB: We were honored at a ceremony before the broadcast.

MC: I didn't realize George Brett was the inspiration for the song “Royals!”     http://www.kansascity.com/2013/12/06/4671596/national-geographic-confirms-george.html

NB: Yeah, it's weird; definitely the result of a cultural misunderstanding. 

MD: We're driving bullpen carts in our dreams.

MC: Point for Hufflepuff!

NB: Surprise, surprise. The show is running long.

MD: Because when I think Nine Inch Nails, I think Lindsey Buckingham.

NB: Totally.

MD: Friggin’ Yoko again. Yes, she totally deserves that Grammy for “Double Fantasy” for all the work she did on it.

NB: Taylor Swift should win for Album of the Year, but I like the robots.

MD: Daft Punk wins! Bow before your new masters!!!!!

NB: I wonder if you have to check your camera phone at the door when you go into the studio with Daft Punk. Just in case?

MD: Hooray! Robots support gay marriage!

MC: Robots will let us marry who we want!

MD: Proving that Lord Voldemort produced this year’s Grammy Awards, we present Trent Reznor, who, incidentally, founded Slytherin.

NB: I was hoping Keenan Thompson would come out and prevent Lindsey Buckingham from playing. "Ewww Whee. What's up with that?"

MC: Genius. But even Yoko thinks this sucks.

NB: Well I have to respectfully disagree. This stuff is right up my alley.

MD: This is an odd choice for a closing number, but I'm with Nate.

MC: If the first five minutes wasn't Reznor bullshit, it would have been fine.

NB: I love me some Reznor bullshit! I minored in that in college.

MD: Well that was a weird ending to a weird show. Thanks for braving that with me gentlemen.

MC: Indeed.

NB: Later.

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