The Emmy Awards: a dance with death

Montag, September 23, 2013 | by: Mat DeKinder

It was a dreary night at an Emmy Awards that was packed with surprises, although few of them good. In order to break down the awards telecast in real-time I brought in pop culture aficionado, occasional rival and celebrated man-about-town Matt Clayton.  Here is the blow-by-blow.

Mat DeKinder: I think that was Schmidt’s girlfriend that just won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy.

Matt Clayton:She could win just standing there. Damn, Robin Williams turned old.

MD: He looks kinda rough; I think we are in for a lot of bummer tributes tonight.

MC: I vote no on that.

MD: I really hope Elton John’s tribute is to Liberace.Man do they love to give Emmys to Julia Louis-Dreyfuss.

MC: Her acceptance speech was really funny.

MD: Do you watch the “Veep?”

MC: Yes. It’s one of our favorites. Very well done.

MD: I may have to catch up on DVD. We got rid of our premium channels recently so I’ll have to just do some shows on DVD now.

MC: At some point, a cable company is going to figure out how to allow customers to pay for just the channels they want. It might not be in our lifetime though.

MD: Sofia Vergara is straight bringing it!

MC: Those things are amazing.

MD: No one is listening to Jimmy Kimmel

MC: Who was standing next to her?

MD: I’m not sure how I feel about Jim Parsons winning again.

MC: He’s the best character on TV. Really well done.

MD: I don’t watch a ton of “Big Bang Theory,” but I do laugh when I catch it. I still like Schmidt as the best comedy character.

MC: Ok, I forgot about Schmidt. I’ll put a dollar in the jar.

MD: I also have a big place in my heart for Ron Swanson.

MC: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

MD: And when I say all, I mean literally all of your bacon and eggs.

MC: Where does Matt Damon rank among the actors of our generation (Clooney, Pitt, Damon, Affleck, etc.)? He’s made good choices most of the time. He got on the Bourne wagon. He doesn’t have any “Reindeer Games” on his IMDB list.

MD: I would easily put him at the top of the “best actor to never win an Oscar” list.

MC: This outfit that Elton John is wearing looks like it came from Justice. My daughter would cut him for that jacket.

MD: I’m buying that jacket for our lake trip next year.

MC: That should be the new trophy for winning our fantasy football league. Win the league, get that jacket for a year.

MD: Remember when Michael Douglas said he got throat cancer from oral sex?

MC: Totally. I would also like to add that Elisabeth Moss should win everything.

MD: Is she British?

MC: Not that I’m aware of. Acting British is difficult. RIGHT!

MD: OY!

MC:#idontwanttoseethistargetcommercialanymore

MD: One of those models has really weirdly spaced eyes.

MC: #seriouslyagain? Hey look, ARSENIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dog pound in the house.

MD: He still looks good!

MC: His show is back on. Snoop was his first guest. It’s like 1993 was happening all over again.

MD: At least the Hosting Intervention was a funny bit.

MC: No Red Wedding win for best director? What the hell.

MD: They gave it to a dead guy. And that was a good episode of “Homeland” that won.

MC: Does that mean you are caught up?

MD: NOPE! Still sitting on the last four episodes of last season. Pressure’s off without Showtime anymore. We have a whole extra year.

MC: So the rest of us can’t talk about TV shows around you? That sucks. Also, Khaleesi deserved a win there.

MD: I know you don’t watch “Breaking Bad,” but it’s really, really awesome and will probably clean up tonight. Anna Gunn is very deserving.

MC: I wonder how “Homeland” will do. They cleaned up last year, but there was a bit of backlash from critics. I’m intrigued to see what happens in the new season.

MD: Season 2 was not as strong as Season 1, which was nearly perfect.

MC: Lots of crying in season 2. Even more than season 1, which I didn’t think was possible.

MD: Also lots of unnecessary hit-and-runs.

MC: Is there any way this season of “How I Met Your Mother” can live up to the hype? I just don’t think it’s possible. I’ve tuned out.

MD: Probably not. I still watch, and it has its moments. I think Robin is the show’s secret albatross. She bugs me for some reason.

MC: I can see that. That being said, Ted is the most worthless character ever.

MD: What is not is question is that NPH is a goddamn showman!

MC: He’s a goddamn American Icon. Pay him his money. In cash.

MD: “The Amazing Race” always wins Best Reality Show.

MC: No “Big Brother?”

MD: The streak is over! “The Voice” wins! “Big Brother” got really racist this season, so that probably has something to do with it.

MC: I started watching the last three weeks or so. I think I missed the racist part. New show idea: “That’s Racist, Yo.”

MD: Hosted by John Rocker and Chris Rock. My wife has watched the shit out of “Big Brother” for a good decade or so. I abstain. The racism happened early on. After all the non-white people got voted out it died down, as is usually the case.

MC: The Dink!

MD: I gave up on “Boardwalk Empire” after the first season. But I am generally pro-Bobby Cannavale.

MC: This show has taken a really, really boring turn. Like super boring.

MD: I like Jeff Daniels and all, but seriously, what the fuck?

MC: That makes no sense at all.

MD: Don’t you hate-watch “The Newsroom?”

MC: Yes. It got a bit better this season, but it’s still just a repeat of “Sports Night” and “The West Wing.” Same beginning, middle and end. Frankly, it’s shocking that Sorkin has been able to get by with mailing it in like that.

MD: This is probably making Twitter implode right now. Now the Kennedy Assassination? Can we have a more depressing Emmy Awards?

MC: Who thought this was a good idea? The JFK assassination to the Beatles? How is this related to the Emmy Awards? Is it really hard to fill a three hour awards show?

MD: The show is on CBS. 98% of their viewers were alive when all this happened.

MC: I’m 36 years old and I’ve never put the two events together in one sentence. No reason to. They have nothing to do with each other.

MD: Just like Carrie Underwood and the Beatles.

MC: Somewhere on a private jet, Paul McCartney is asking “Isn’t this that girl who sings the Sunday Night Football song? Why the fuck is she singing my song on the Emmy Awards?”

MD: I have no words. I was really rooting for zombie John Lennon to put a stop to that.

MC: I still can’t believe that actually happened. I’m hopeful some executive producer is being fired as I type this.

MD: I think it was to distract everyone from the fact that Daniels won the Emmy over John Hamm and Bryan Cranston.

MC: Super excited about the new season of “Elementary.” It’s really well done.

MD: I don’t watch the show, but I kind of love that you do.

MC: A few folks at work had been talking about so I watched a few episodes over the summer. Really well done. It’s modern, but still pays attention to the classic “Sherlock” stuff.

MD: I’m kind of surprised you don’t watch “Scandal.”

MC: I hate you.

MD: I’m good with Claire Danes winning again.

MC: I can agree with that. How did J.J. Abrams get in the same sentence as Scorsese?

MD:David Fincher is too cool for the Emmys; seriously. The only way the Emmys get more depressing is if Bob Newhart dies on air.

MC: How the hell did Bob Newhart not win an Emmy until appearing on the “Big Bang Theory?” Really? I mean really?

MD: The writing variety series nominations are always my favorite part of the Emmys.

MC: Jimmy Kimmel should have won just because of the “O” factor.

MD: Then we would have known it was rigged. Oprah can take your Emmy away and you can’t do anything about it.

MC: So what’s it like to be the one female writer on “The Colbert Report?” Do you just tell lots of dick and fart jokes? Really funny and smart? Or a bit of both?

MD: I bet you say things like “It’s freezing dicks out there” a lot.

MC: Watching Michael J. Fox waste away in front of us is just really, really sad. It’s one of those diseases that no one can beat. Just a matter of time. Magic can beat AIDS, but Michael J. Fox can’t beat Parkinson’s.

MD: Or Mohammed Ali for that matter. This Emmy Awards makes me want to draw a warm bath and slit my wrists.

MC: We haven’t even gotten to Tony Soprano yet.

MD: I think his was probably one of the most surprising celebrity deaths since Michael Jackson.

MC: He was great in “The Castle” with Robert Redford.

MD: What’s up “The Castle” reference! Nice. So the takeaway from the Emmy Awards: Death and Dancing!

MC: That’s your headline. And a side of NPH. And short shorts. What award is this for? Best choreography? I’ve already forgotten. And are those dudes twerking?

MD: Yes. Yes they are.

MC: Best choreography? For dancing shows? That gets an Emmy? You can’t be serious.

MD: I think that was all just an elaborate FU to “So You Think You Can Dance.” Here comes the Galdolfini tribute. “... and he rocked the hell out of ‘The Castle’”

MC: “The Castle” was great. I’m sending you a copy.

MD: Dude, I’m all in! I’ve seen “The Castle” it’s great. So who is this dude they keep showing in the green room?

MC: He’s on “NCIS” or something like that I think. Also, do stars “talk mess?” I think not.

MD: “NCIS,” your most-watched show America. I hope you’re happy.

MC: Welcome to America, we have no taste in television.

MD: Do you think you could kill a person with an Emmy Award?

MC: Me personally? Yes. It could be done.

MD: I meant generally. I don’t question your ability to kill with anything. It’ just that it has to be the most dangerous looking award there is.

MC:An Oscar is a good weapon, a blunt object. One nice thump and you’re done. Grammy would be the worst.

MD: I think you’d be more likely to find an Oscar in a sex dungeon. Hey, do you remember when everyone died this year? Like everyone.

MC: Not until I watched the Emmy’s and locked myself in the garage with the car running. Also Bach G Major makes me want to punt people.

MD: It’s like being trapped at a bad wedding. Wait, what? Dude, the dad on “Webster” died?

MC: Pour one out for my homie, the dad on “Webster.”

MD: A lot of those people were only tangentially associated with television. I think they just wanted to celebrate death.

MC: Some of them were just associated with CBS. Like Ken Venturi and Pat Summerall.

MD: Is it bad that I thought Summerall died like 15 years ago? On air.

MC: That’s Marv Albert.

MD: “Yes!” Berman’s not far behind. Wasn’t Ellen Burstyn either Cagney or Lacey?

MC: It’s past her bedtime isn’t it? I think Lacey.

MD: No, Internet research has told me that Tyne Daley was in “Cagney & Lacey.” Burstyn was in “The Exorcist” though. Fun fact: Ellen Burstyn and James Cromwell are a combined 153 years old.

MC: This is what the Emmys have done. We’re adding up the ages of old people. What happens if you add on Bob Newhart onto the Burstyn-Cromwell combo?

MD: I think it is a mathematical number that exists only in theory, like infinity.

MC: That two-hander line might be the best of the night. Until the bottom or the top joke.

MD: Michael Douglas is killing. He should work the Catskills.  

MC: “Behind the Candelabra” won 8 of 15 categories that they had a nomination. That’s a good percentage.

MD: TV loves it when movie stars come slumming in television.

MC: I still can’t believe Jeff Daniels won for “The Newsroom.”  It just doesn’t make any sense at all.

MD: A lot like this Claire Danes Audi commercial.

MC: Would have been better if they dropped in some random scenes of her crying.

MD: And listening to smooth jazz. I would like to point out that this Will Ferrell bit is my life.

MC: I really wish he had a tuxedo t-shirt on. It’s close, it has an eagle. I really expected “Girls” to do better tonight? I thought they had more nominations? Maybe I just dreamed that up.

MD: According to the Emmys “Modern Family” is the greatest comedy in the history of the world and in any other worlds that could possibly exist.

MC: Did you hear what Steven Levitan said? He mentioned the saddest Emmy Awards ever. Also, “Modern Family” is really funny and good. It’s just overdone at this point.

MD: I have no real beef with “Modern Family,” but 9,000 Emmy awards? Especially when “30 Rock” and “Parks and Rec” were going strong, I’m not buying it.  

MC: Is “Breaking Bad” really the best drama on television? I haven’t seen it so I can’t really say.

MD: I’m going to say this and you aren’t going to believe me, but it might be the best show I’ve ever seen. Like it has ruined how I watch TV.

MC: “Mad Men” had a terrible year as did “Homeland.” But I really think “Game of Thrones” was amazing this past year. I’ll start watching “Breaking Bad” soon that way I don’t have to worry about it getting cancelled.

MD: There are only two episodes left, and I guess they could still screw it up, but if they stick the landing, easily the best show I’ve ever watched.

MC: I’m still mad at AMC for cancelling “Rubicon.”

MD:I liked “Rubicon”, but man was it boring.

MC: And “Mad Men” isn’t at many points?

MD: Oh, I’m with you there. Sometimes “Mad Men” is like a brilliant dude wandering around in Central Park screaming at hobos. I’m not really sure what that means, but I’m going with it.  

MC: I think that’s a great way to end.

MD: Agreed. Thanks for braving that with me. Hopefully the Emmys didn’t depress you too much; I don’t want to have to put you on suicide watch.  

MC: I’m going to smoke 1,000 cigarettes and eat a bunch of ice cream. 

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